Tired of the same old holiday get-together conversations with your family?
You could probably already recite the way it will go down word for word, before you even walk in the door for your next party. Someone asks how the job is going. Another asks how your house projects are coming along. Then it gets in to how it goes with the kids in school, or when are kids coming, or maybe even are you ever even going to into a serious relationship…
Well, if you are dreading this, I would bet you a glass of eggnog that everyone else is just as much. Why not mix it up a bit?
So often we invest in learning about the new people we bring into our lives. We ask questions with the intent to get to know the person, to understand them. But we leave this open-ended curiosity at the door when we show up to spend times with those whom we have known the longest, and likely love the most. Even if they have the capacity to drive you as nutty as last year’s fruitcake. Yuck!
Stir the Pot
Why not mix it up a bit. Let’s break into the awkward this year and take it to the next level. What do you have to lose anyway? In the best-case scenario you will find a better understanding of the people you are bound to for life. Or maybe you just walk away with a great story of how different this year’s Christmas at Aunt Betty’s was. (Does anyone still have an Aunt Betty?)
I know it can be awkward to start. So here are my five a-little-less-awkward questions to help you mix things up this year. Give them a try. And don’t forget to read to the end with the tips on how to make them work well.
When was the most exciting time in your life?
What a great thing to think about. Often times we get too caught up in comparing ourselves to others. Or even worse, the If-Only-I-Was version of ourselves. This robs us of our chance to appreciate all the good things that have happened. If I am so caught up on not getting that European trip figured out, I too easily dismiss the amazing fun I had at the game night on a random Thursday. We aren’t looking for the most amazing thing that could happen to anyone in the world, but the most amazing that has happened for you. Everything is relative to our experiences. One person’s best time might have been backpacking Europe, while another one may say it was that sweet moment in time when they were well rested enough to enjoy their young children. Someone else, may say it was while they were working their dream job and making things happen in their line of work. There is no wrong answer. No comparison.
What was the scariest or hardest time in your life?
You would be surprised what people will say to this question. We think we know those closest to us, and yet they might surprise you with what they choose as the biggest obstacles they have overcome. I once asked my mother this question and she shared about a time in life before I was born, while Dad was working two jobs and going to school as she was home with five kids under the age of seven. By the time I was born this part of our family story was long in the past. I could not picture my parents as a young couple learning to parent and navigate adulthood while doing everything they could to get by, or even ahead. Wow this helped me view them through a different lens.
What inspired you to do what you are doing now?
Do you know why Dad became a teacher? I didn’t. Come to think of it I don’t know that I clearly know now. This might be the question I need to ask this weekend. Many times we have known people for so long that we never thought to ask, what about what you are doing was intriguing before you started doing it. Maybe we know part of the story, which allows us to fill in the blanks with our own assumptions. Don’t you hate when others put words into your mouth and speak for you? That’s what we are doing when we claim to know the whole story without giving the other person a chance to tell their story in their own words. Try it.
What one thing within your control do you want to make a reality in the next seven months?
Key words here, in your control. Sure, we would love to see world peace, win the lotto, or cure cancer. And while we can contribute to the success of each of those, let’s keep it within the realm of what we can be actionable on in the next seven months. Why seven months? Well, a year is just a little too arbitrary. Too easy to write off as quickly as your useless New Year’s resolutions. But seven months is doable. It’s not that far away. And, it creates a sense of urgency. If I want this to happen in seven months, I better get started now. How can I help?
What would you want to tell the seven-year younger version of you?
Again, with the seven. Sure, we could go back a decade or to the teenage version of yourself, but if you have to do math to seven years ago, you are forced to think a little harder. In this process you create an image of where life was then. It was not all that far away, yet far enough to make a huge difference. In seven years, you could get married, have a child, and that child could now be in school. In seven years, you could complete schooling and get a great start to your career. All of the cells in your body will have been replaced. In seven years, a lot can happen, yet it is not so far away that it sounds out of reach of having an impact. If I was in that place only seven years ago, where could I be seven years from now?
Tips for Getting Into the Awkward Questions
Are you ready to shake things up this year? Or do you need a little more help before you jump in to the tank to pet the sharks? I’ve listed my top tips below for helping to make these conversations fruitful and positive. I would say they even help make it a little less awkward but that’s not what I am about. I am about making the awkward a good thing. So here they are.
No Wrong Answers
First of all, there are no wrong answers. Whatever people share is sacred to them. Your job is to respect their answers, respect their values, and just listen. Be joyful when they share successes. Be curious when they talk about challenges. Be supportive when they open up about vulnerabilities.
Do Not Swap Stories
Once someone shares their story, your job is not to ruffle through your bag of life experiences to find a relatable story to tell. This is hard. I get it. We tend to believe that by sharing a relatable story, we are saying, I can understand and have empathy. But what really happens is the opposite. People tend to feel like their situation must now be validated on its worth against what you have shared. They may even wonder if the only reason you asked about them was so that you could have the chance to talk about yourself.
No Comparing
Next, do not compare. Let me say that again. Do not compare. To create a positive dialogue, you must keep comparison out of it. I would even encourage you to only ask one person each question to avoid this. If you ask your aunt about her best times, then ask your cousin about their hardest times, or their hopes for the future. This is part of creating a safe place for conversations to unfold without the fear of judgement. People will not share their most meaningful stories if they do not trust the people they are with and the space they are in.
Take Them Further
Remember, these questions are simply the starting point for a conversation. Each answer will lead you to more and more questions. What was the hardest time in your life? Wow, how did you get through that? What did you learn from it? What good came from going through that? Who was in your life at the time? Did they help or make it worse? If you don’t know what to ask next a simple, can you tell me more about that, or is there anything else you want to share can move things along.
Make Them Fun
While these questions work great in one-on-one conversations, you can also make them work with a group. Make a game out of it to help you lean into the awkward. Write each question on a slip of paper and have people draw them out and answer. Or make it a story time, “Hey Mom, your kids would love to hear more about you…” Have fun with it. This is supposed to be a party, isn’t it?
Stay Curious
However, you start the conversation, approach it with curiosity. Keep the tone of the conversation positive. And of course, be open to learning about the people around you. You may have to set some good old-fashioned rules or even choose not to play with certain people who cannot come to the table with the same intent. But when you can ask the questions and hear another part of their story, you will be amazed at how it can change your outlook.
Let’s Get Awkward
If you don’t know me, this is what I do. I help people dig in to the awkward and turn their insecurities into their superpowers. It is life-changing. I’d love to learn about your awkward and help you transform your organization into the superpower it can be. Send me a message to chat, or click below to get the seven things you can do to unleash your team’s strengths.